Dating after divorce is nothing like dating as a never-married-before person.
As one of the major events one can go through in a lifetime, divorce can really change a person’s perspective in life.
That is why dating after divorce requires a few steps before you can consider yourself ready to date again.
In real life, that’s not really what I see women (and men) do.
Many women are literally rushing into dating very shortly after being separated or getting a divorce, not taking the time to process their divorce.
Dating without taking the time to heal from the trauma of a divorce cannot do any good.
If you are dating with the intention to find someone you really want to rebuild your life with, you need to take a different approach.
This blog post is all about showing you the crucial importance of not rushing into dating after divorce and giving you the steps that you need to take before considering dating again.
but before we get to that, let’s talk about why is it that some people have the urge to date again shortly after a divorce.
Why do people rush into dating after divorce?
You need to understand that the urge to date someone new is a normal human reaction to the fear based feeling you experience when you split from a long term partner.
Most people fear to be alone and to have to deal with feelings of rejection and unworthiness, especially if they did not initiate the divorce.
They very rarely date again shortly after the split because they really moved on and they feel ready to meet someone special.
Whether the fear has a rational basis or not, it has the same effect on everyone. We see everything through our fear and it causes us to make very bad decisions.
The 3 most fundamental points you need to be clear on
Before getting out there and dating again, you need to:
- Be emotionally over your ex and the divorce: You cannot be still romantically attached to your ex or still mad at him and at what happened and hope to successfully date someone new.
- Have the right mindset: You should be going out there with the positive mindset that your divorce is the way life is giving you an opportunity for a new start.
- Have enough confidence on yourself and your ability to attract a new partner and build a successful relationship. If the divorce destroyed your self-esteem, you need to work on it first before dating again. Another relationship is a very bad source of confidence and self-esteem. Your self-esteem should come from within you.
Now, how do you get there?
I have been through that process myself, and here is what I learned from my post-divorce period:
1. Learn again how to be happy by yourself
Whether you chose to split with you ex or it was imposed on you or was it a mutual decision, the end result is still the same.
You are on your own now and you will have to learn how to live and live well on your own.
This is the transition that majority of people struggle with and get even stuck in because they have designed their lives and build their happiness around their couple for years.
Everything that makes them happy was one way or another linked to their partner.
They developed habits as a couple, they shared hobbies as a couple, they made friends as a couple, they went on holidays as a couple and the list goes on.
So when divorce happens, they don’t know how to live anymore and the world feels so lonely out of a sudden.
I remember when it happened to me, I felt so lost and helpless.
I thought I could not survive without him and that I could only enjoy life if he was in it.
Everything was tasteless, pointless, void of any purpose, or so I thought.
The truth of the matter is that I was feeling this way not because of the divorce, but because while I was married, I lost touch with who I was.
After my divorce, I started reconnecting with myself.
I knew how to live and enjoy life before I met my ex, so there was no rational explanation as to why I would not know how to do it again.
And you can do it too. You knew how to live on your own before you met your ex, so now you just need to learn that again by reconnecting with yourself and do the things that make YOU happy as YOU, not as a couple.
It can be very small things that may seem insignificant but will amount over time.
You can start shopping and cooking the food you really like because now you do not have to compromise on that.
You can reconnect with an old hobby you gave up on years ago or discover new hobbies.
You can take yourself out on a date to YOUR favorite coffee shop, or dinner, or go to cinema on your own watch a movie that you chose without compromise…There are so many benefits to being single if you think about it.
You can travel somewhere you always wanted to visit, either alone or with friends. There are hotels and resorts for adult only that are great options for singles.
Even spending time by yourself is so so beneficial. You can use your spare time taking care of yourself, going to the gym, shopping, reading books, watching YouTube videos and learning new things.
I would recommend that you avoid things that you used to do together when possible very shortly after the divorce.
Once you are over the divorce emotionally, try to do every single thing you used to do as a couple on your own. The idea here is to replace old memories with new ones.
2. Study your failure
The only way I found to get emotionally over my divorce and my ex was by trying to understand what happened.
At first, I had a need to understand what happened because he did not give me any closure ( we barely spoke after he announced that he wanted a divorce).
I really became obsessed with it and I slowly realized that this processing of trying to understand actually helped me get over him.
The reason for that is very simple, knowledge gives clarity and with clarity comes demystification. They say Success leaves clues, and so do failures
I not only started seeing him for what he really was and not the image of the perfect guy I had in my mind but I also started seeing what role I played into this failed marriage.
This helped me learn so much about myself and my rapports with my ex but also to the world.
I also realized how I attracted my ex and what kind of people I was attracting in general.
I became aware of the insecurities that were causing me to make very poor choices.
I realized I had very poor boundaries and that I should not have been with him in the first place if I would have addressed those issues prior to the marriage.
I took full responsibility for where I was in life and I was determined to create a better life for myself.